Six years ago, it was 2007 and my boredom was unbearable. I wore my first sequin dress. I finally figured out undereye concealer. I felt slightly reborn, or as reborn as one could. My skin was finally my own. I felt a sense of control over myself that didn’t or couldn’t have been possible only a year or two before. It was a new round.
Five years ago, it was 2008 and I thought I would for sure be the exception to the rule then of place and time and circumstance. I met perhaps the most brilliant mind I would ever meet. A part of me was in love, but it was not until this year that I made a clean break. My break was out of necessity. His break was of the mind.
Four years ago, it was 2009 and I was back at home. The first thing I did was strip the walls - of posters and then wallpaper - until there was nothing left but a blank surface, a next step. On my closet door, I taped notecards of goals. This is where I will go. This is what I will do. The cards are gone, but the dreams remain as real as ever. To write is to make into existence. There was no turning back. There is no turning back.
Three years ago, it was 2010 and I thought that this was all temporary, a bump in the road, a slight detour to … something. I knew I wouldn’t accept this for myself. However long it would last, however many false starts would leave me a crying heap in the dark, industrial halls of my day-to-day, I would keep pushing. This too, this place was a push. On the first day, I felt its wrongness deep and true. I could not let this be it. But it took at first days and then months and then years to understand this. Life is not clean, but its dirt - its filth and troubles - are the guidelines and map to beauty.
Two years ago, it was 2011 and I loved so fiercely. I did not know I could, but I did and I do not regret knowing the depths of that love and emotion. Everything began to change then. I lost him. I lost her. I moved on slowly. The club became an agent of change. I had forgotten that place could be as important as people. It was not a replacement so much as a supplement, an addition, a reminder of what was missing and what could redeem. I found reinvention and courage and pain. I also rediscovered house and it was truer than things I had known for years. I do not believe you have to settle in these years. Metamorphosis is ongoing, is always, is forever.
One year ago, it was 2012 and I was more hopeful than I had ever been in my life. That hope was short lived, a reminder that life is not that easy. But it was also a reminder that even possibilities hold more weight than we realize. If all you have to depend on, to live on, is a possibility, then keep living. That can get you through a lot. It can get you through today.
The sunrise is still my favorite part of the day. My summer days start early and keep going. I rise with the sun. This began not by choice, at least not a conscious one, but my body took it on as if it is the only way of the world.
In my darkest nights, I could always remember the power of tomorrow and the sun and this place full of people I don’t know, but have grown to love as much as one can love images and projections and select numbers of characters. Never doubt sustenance. Never doubt pushing through. Never doubt your curiosities for they can lead you to some place better, brighter, and most certainly, less boring.
We see more of ourselves than anyone ever could. That is the myth of finding ourselves. We do not need to find ourselves. We already know who we are. This is about finally coming to terms with ourselves, not necessarily accepting ourselves, but certainly seeing everything we have – the good and especially the bad – and knowing that what is written on our bodies will change little in the course of our lives.
This is taking control, for from an early age, control is taken from us. Control perhaps is never allowed at all.
Y’all are making me feel special. This is a nice message to receive as I’m about to celebrate the SIXTH anniversary of this blog on December 7th.
I created this tumblr during my junior year of college. I was working in my college’s Housing department, running mundane tasks and errands and fielding sporadic phone calls from racist and homophobic parents who couldn’t imagine their precious child having to “deal” with someone not like them.
So basically, I had a lot of free time.
During this time, I also began my first editorial internship at Venus Zine (R.I.P.) and I wanted to translate my experiences and ideas into my ideal magazine, but online. I also had another blog that was basically me posting an essay or two PER DAY about what it was like to be in college. I’ve deleted that site now, but if any of you are interested, I’ve collected some of them in a mini-doc called, “All My Friends Are Bad Habits.”
My first couple of months tumblring were a lot less personal than what this blog eventually turned into (and what it has quietly moved away from). It got more recognition when I began to write longer (which I know seems counter to what Tumblr in 2013 is) and when I ramped up my music posts. Venus Zine was a women’s music magazine, so I was just entering the peak of my music listening days.
I don’t really have a formula for this blog. I try things out for a while and then let them go. I post what I want to post. I only post things that I enjoy. I’m never going to post a song to say I hate it. Why waste the space? I try to avoid doing lots of reblogs. I did that in the beginning of tumblr and I would get into stupid online arguments. I don’t try to post on a schedule. I’ve taken breaks. I took one in November and one in October when I was hospitalized with anaphylactic shock. I don’t try to announce them because why would I do that? I like to keep my true personal life personal. I will never talk about who I’m dating unless it’s after the fact.
I believe in finding your own voice rather than catering to what other people might want. I believe in sticking to your guns. I believe in learning. I believe in beauty. That’s basically it. If other people enjoy that, great! If not, I’ll keep posting.