She said, “It’s perfectly fine to not be over this.” What a relief. A culture of complete stages is not my truth. First this happens, then you feel it constantly, then you work on it, then you feel it never. That is what should happen. But, I have never been good at the “shoulds” of life. I fall into situations; always a push, never a step.
I think my two selves are so complete that even I forget the interiority and the exteriority exist on different planes.
The Britt has become so secure in its identity that the Brittany feels more lost than ever. The Britt is public and confident. I am reminded of the Brittany filling out forms for places to feel more secure – financially, emotionally – in the world. It was easy to forget the Brittany was there when I did not have to literally write it out, again and again, as if learning the crossed t’s and swooping y for the first time. Do you even own your name?
Even now, hearing “Britt” feels foreign. It was a conscious decision to sound less young and feminine. It worked, but it also left me with the remainders of my birth, the time before. A Britt does not eradicate a Brittany. A new does not change the old. If you have not ridden yourself of your things – the ways in which you bottle up your emotions, your deeply felt but never articulated insecurities – then you are left with a growing sense of disconnect. Who will hear you?
I’ve had this blog for almost 7 years, so that would be nearly impossible. But, try the player at the bottom of my page, which pops out so you can pick and choose which songs you want to listen to and read their corresponding posts. That has always been at the bottom of my page and always will.
I’m not really familiar with the slam poetry scene in the city. I’m sorry. But if you’re looking for live performances, I recommend checking out some of Chicago’s live lit and storytelling events. My favorites are Grown Folks Stories at The Silver Room, That’s All She Wrote at the Savoy, and Paper Machete at The Green Mill.