November 2, 2009

“ It’s a freedom that white children have that black children don’t have…They get to pick from this huge array of personality types, behaviors, authentic selves that they can put on and take off. There is a challenge for black children in terms of, when they go to the identity closet, how may options of what guise they can put on and take off, and still be considered authentically black.

Facing Identity Conflicts, Black Students Fall Behind : NPR

My entire childhood –not just education – was based around this concept. I was lucky because my mother was a teacher and so the value of an education was not just an idea or a mantra but a definite way of life. Education was not just something that happened to other people but an all-encompassing facet of everything I did.

The idea of what is “authentically Black” is one that many young Black children begin to face at an early age. The first time my “authentic Blackness” was questioned was during the second grade. I transferred from a private, Catholic school where every kid was treated the same, to a public elementary school where, despite the best efforts of the faculty, pre-conceived ideas of race were already infiltrating our young minds.

I had to make a conscious decision towards the end of the year to put on the “academic” identity, even if it meant distancing myself from the then-emerging “young, Black” identity. What most upset me was the fact that I had to make a choice, and that by focusing on my education, I was somehow choosing not to be Black. By caring about school, I was trying to “act white.” Because I wanted to learn, I was trying to be someone else, someone not Black.

I think that’s why I’ve always struggled with, and been fascinated by, the idea of an authentic self. There are identities and lifestyles that I can’t fully immerse myself in because of the constrictions that come from racial stereotypes, prejudices, and my own limitations of the self. Going through life is a test of decision. I base my actions on observations because I don’t feel entirely comfortable in my own agency and I don’t think I ever will. I can’t pull on or take off an identity easily (and my choices are ultimately limited) and so, choosing to care about education was something that I took on completely, regardless of what others would think. It was a conscious decision and one that I had to accept the consequences for.

In the article, writer Nancy Solomon wrote about one student, “So, when a youngster like Keith walks into class late with his pants sagging, sits in the back and doesn’t participate — he is basically striking a pose.” It’s a conscious decision to not care. There are only two options. Our selfhood is limited.

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