Wanting to experience something new is not the same as actually doing it. The wanting is not enough. Place is not permanent.
I keep a long selection of files on my phone: lists, writing notes, full-length essays written on hour-long commutes to the North side. Yesterday, I sat and went through the notes and recognized a longing for thoughts and places and things that no longer exist.
Growing older is the realization that everything is not possible. Growing older means accepting that what ifs are a given and that things will slip by again and again.
“You only live once” is a crippling phrase, one that should inspire, but frequently produces dread. It has gained a sense of urgency within the past year. My friend Gabe - a jovial, kind music enthusiast - frequently writes “yolo” in text messages and online conversations. Rather than elicit inspiration, I am reminded of the lack I’ve felt from an early age.
Age controls. What does it mean to be young? To be young is to be free. But also, to be young is to have options.